Worst Christmas presents?

9. Recording of Islamic Rage Boy's hit single, now topping the charts;

8. Funeral plot of your very own;

7. Facelift by Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon;

6. Year of skin treatments by Michael Jackson's dermatologist;

5. Three nights and two days in picturesque downtown Baghdad;

4. All-expense tour of Cape Cod, with Ted Kennedy;

3. All-expense tour of Washington DC, with Patrick Kennedy;

2. Exciting boat trip to Cambodia, with John Kerry;

1. John Kerry's magic hat. Autographed.