Saturday, March 22, 2008

Librarians have orgy

So these six librarians go into a restaurant. They're at a Library Convention and they're really going to party down--on the expense account, no less. Sheer debauchery.

First up are drinks. We have two people here who want actual liquor, two who want soda, and two who want drinks with umbrellas in them.

Ordering food takes forever; "The bean soup sounds good." "What are you having, Marianne?" (Every other librarian in New Jersey is called Marianne, Mary, Mary Ann, Mary Rose, Mary Lou, Mary Jane--you get the picture.)*

Soup or salad? Steak or fish? Should we stick to our diet (every other librarian in New Jersey is on a diet) or go hog wild?

A consensus having been reached, the wait staffer (we librarians don't use sexist language, but she is a woman) takes all orders and disappears to the kitchen.

The festive meal arrives and is consumed, accompanied by catching up, gossip, and gripes. Zero hour has now arrived.

The lone male librarian ventures timidly that it would be nice if we split the check six ways. The suggestion is met with scorn, and the check is scrutinized by one and all.
Lib I: "Marianne had the soup."
Marianne: "Yes, but I only had salad; you had steak--24.95!"
Lib I: "Okay. Sheila had the chicken florentine."
Sheila: "All I had to drink was a diet coke--Susan had two beers."
Lib I: "Who had the red snapper?"

And so it goes. Finally, detente is reached. It is now time to calculate the tip.
Male librarian: "Tip should be $60--five dollars each. That's three times the tax, which is 6 percent."
Librarian III, who has hitherto been silent: "Yes, but you're not supposed to count the drinks when you calculate the tip."
Male librarian: (silently) Oy vey! (Throws money on the table.)
Marianne: You gave me too much. Here--take back three dollars. Wait--does anyone have change for a twenty?
Male librarian: (Unprintable remark, silently.)

*Many librarians also answer to the name of Marie. Or Anne-Marie. Oh, forget it.

(Recycled)

7 comments:

Tat said...

It seems that you know my coworker Carol's friend. Hmm...maybe she is a librarian...have to ask.

A fresh story relayed to me. Carol and her friend decided to spend a Saturday evening in the city. Carol's friend is shy and never goes alone to events; Carol is a regular theater-goer, so she chooses the play and the restaurant - so the friend (let's call her AnnMarie) offers to drive them to town.

After a play and a good dinner in a restaurant (where AnnMarie couldn't decide between a lobster and fillet mignon for 1/2hr) comes the time for a check. AnnMArie get's up, says she has to go to the powder-room and that she'll meet Carol outside. In the car Carol brings up the subject of $200 dinner bill. And AnnMArie says: "You supply money, and I - labor! I drove you into the city!"

True story.

miriam said...

Tat: That's a good one.

dick stanley said...

Well, it makes some sense. I consider just driving in Houston to be worthy of combat pay.

dick stanley said...

Funny post, Miriam. I once thought of becoming a librarian, since I used to spend much time in libraries, before the Internet. I still need to go university libraries for arcane stuff. But I can see I might have spent some time making silent remarks of my own.

Elisabeth said...

There is a very funny skit by a female French comedian (whose name now escapes me) about sharing the bill or not at a restaurant - which suggests that this issue does transcend borders!

Sheila Rene said...

But...but...I don't even like chicken florentine. Do I still have to fess up my share of the tip?

TeakLipstickFiend said...

Bills should not be evenly split, unless everyone has spent roughly the same amount of money. Nothing worse when you're trying to save money, or not drinking the wine, or whatever, and then end up having to pay heaps more - in other words, paying for other people's choices.

By the way, I did train and work as a librarian, but have moved into another area now. I still hanker for that perfect library job, though.