Vice-presidents

Non-productivity has reached new heights at the University of Chicago Hospital, making it a respectable competitor with government, public schools, colleges and universities.

Officials at the University of Chicago Hospitals say a promotion and large pay increase given to Sen. Barack Obama's wife shortly after the Democrat was elected to Congress were well-deserved boosts for an executive who is "worth her weight in gold."

Hospitals spokesman John Easton told the Tribune that Michelle Obama's salary is in line with those of the 16 other vice presidents at the not-for-profit medical center.

I make out the cost of these officers to be in excess of five million dollars. And I suppose the president of the hospital makes more than they do. They all have secretaries and assistants, I imagine, which raises the administrative costs to, oh, ten million, conservatively.

Wow! You could buy a lot of bandages for that! What do you suppose these vice-presidents do? that makes them indispensable?

The actual work in a hospital is done by the doctors, nurses, and ancillary staff, like janitors, food service workers, etc. So I have been speculating about what duties are assigned to these 17 vice presidents.

Do they have a vice president of removing bubble gum from the sidewalk, or one chap who superintends the fellow who goes around the grounds with a stick, picking up litter? Someone has to make sure that the food served to the patients is tepid and tasteless. Somebody else has to dispose of all the flowers that are wilting, and yet another somebody has to make sure the revolving door in the lobby only goes in one direction. Someone undoubtedly has the job of going around to all the pay phones and picking up the change that has been left in them. Michelle O herself is VP of external affairs. Okay, that's seven I've accounted for.

I'm sure my readers can think up jobs for the other ten vice-presidents.