My local newspaper features almost daily articles on the front page about climate change or global warming, with a generous side helping of beach erosion. So, in order to limit my personal contribution to these momentous issues, I have decided to cut back my carbon footprint by canceling my subscription.
We got the latest issue of Columbia's alumni magazine, which I call the Smug Report, because it is. The last page tells about the visit of our beloved President to Queens or someplace like that. I'm surprised they found this lowly place, which is even lowlier now that Sandy has wreaked havoc upon it. Must have used GPS.
Obama mentioned the Arctic ice cap, which, according to him, had been melting at a rapid rate. I am so damn sick of this ice cap and all its brother and sister ice caps around the world. Obama seems to think it is melting, but others whom I respect deny it.
Isn't it possible to go and measure the damn thing? Like with an airplane? and settle this controversy once and for all. If it is not melting, the media ought to make that a page one news story. If it is, tell us.
And then let's never hear about ice caps again. Ever. They are so twentieth century.
I've often wondered how Algore et al figured out to such a nicety what the temperature of the earth would be. They must employ scrupulous scientific methods, no? To be so confident?
Well, I've found out how they do it. First, they slaughter a chicken. They then examine the entrails carefully and draw their conclusions.
Of course scientific experiments must be duplicated to be valid. So the experts slaughter another chicken. If this one has similar entrails, they are well on their way. If the experts are still not sure, they slaughter a duck or goose. Some go so far as to slaughter pigeons or Canada geese, but that's pushing it. Slaughtering robins or purple martins are a big no-no.
Actually, I have been lying to you. Babytrolling has the actual methodology. I was just pulling your leg.
Studying chicken entrails! No-one would believe that! Now taking air samples, that makes sense, doesn't it? Sort of?
Maybe we should stick to entrails. At least you get a chicken dinner at the end of the day.
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