Open for business

What in the world is the Obama discount on the stock market?

Are investor concerns about an Obama presidency influencing the stock market? And by "concerns" I mean "existential panic." And by "Obama presidency" I mean "a tax-hiking and regulatory reign of terror." And by "influencing" I mean "eviscerating." At least that's the overwrought take I get from a few of my more skittish E-mailers.

Here's my thinking: I was supposed to get a minimum distribution on my 401(k)on Nov 15. However, I was pretty sure the market would tank if Obama were elected president, which appeared very likely. I didn't want to wait until after the election; that would be too late. So, the Friday before the market started to slide gracefully downhill like an Olympic skier, I called the company and asked them to send me the money now--I mean then, of course.

Well, the very next Monday the market started to plummet and has since continued the good work, so I have discovered that I have financial acumen which has hitherto been latent. I was as surprised as anyone to learn that I know as much about the market as anybody else, including Alan Greenspan (who confessed himself puzzled at the way things have gone.)

So, exhibiting the old pioneer spirit which led my ancestors as far west as Columbus, OH, I have decided to set myself up in business as a financial adviser. I am dedicating a corner of my office--the one formerly occupied by the mop and the broom--to my new business. Hours: noon to four, Monday through Friday.

Perhaps I will start a new website called "Miriam pix stox," to be consulted by my devotees when they are in need of some savvy advice. Or you can e-mail me.