Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mandatory Dignity Enhancement Program

Tucked into the healthcare bill no-one could read:

[W]e should be very troubled by Section 1233 of H.R. 3200. The section, titled “Advanced Care Planning Consultation” requires senior citizens to meet at least every 5 years with a doctor or nurse practitioner to discuss dying with dignity.

Here's how the program will work. We will gather the elderly (sick, and probably useless) patient and his loved ones together in a large and pleasant room. If you don't have any loved ones, one of each gender will be provided by the government. If a larger group of loved ones is desired, the patient must arrange their attendance and pay them at prevailing union rates.

Soft music will be played in the style of your choice: soft rock, pop, classical, violin sonatas, or country and Western. A clergyperson, professional editorial writer, or professor is optional and may make a short statement.

After painlessly dispatching you, we will wrap your body in a biodegradable shroud made of recycled bottles and bury you beneath a field on which corn for ethanol is grown. In this manner, you will be making a contribution to Mother Gaia instead of just uselessly continuing to exhale carbon dioxide.

And may God have mercy on your soul, if you're foolish enough to believe She exists.

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