A short history of the United States

...as taught in American schools.

Colonial period. Pilgrims, oppressed by George III, come to New England, land at Plymouth Rock, a rock at Plymouth, MA; nearly starve to death until helped out by friendly Indians. When they stop starving and build those cute white churches they start oppressing Indians. Meanwhile, some other Brits come to Virginia, start importing slaves from Africa and oppressing them. Pocahontas is an Indian girl who is in there somewhere. Dutch land in New York, and some other people land in other places and start colonies, oppress Indians. Some French are in there somewhere--they founded Canada, eventually. Anyway, they sell Louisiana to Jefferson.

Federal period. A bunch of dead white guys get together in Philadelphia and write the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. George Washington beats the tar out of the British. Washington becomes president, never does anything wrong, and dies, to be followed by Jefferson, Monroe, John Adams and a bunch of other guys, to be followed by...

Civil War. Lincoln is president, no-one ever criticizes him, and he wins the war practically immediately without setbacks. This is due largely to Grant, who beats everybody. Gen Sherman marches through Georgia, burning everything, but that's okay because he is only upsetting white guys. Lincoln assassinated while visiting Gettysburg. Lincoln frees slaves.


Discovery of gold in California and western expansion by colonists. More Indians exploited and oppressed, but the peace-loving Indians massacre Custer at Little Big Horn. Or was it Wounded Knee? Both were important places. Colonists ride in covered wagons, which are very picturesque.


World War I, fought and won by Woodrow Wilson, who wanted to join the League of Nations, but the Republicans wouldn't let him, which led directly to...


World War II during which we bombed Dresden, imprisoned loyal Japanese-Americans, and let loose the Atom bomb on Japan. Despite these flaws, it was a good thing we won, because President Roosevelt was a good guy who ended the Depression.

The Cold War. Everyone carried on about the Russians, until the Soviet Union fell, after which everything was hunky-dory. Oh, yes, and President Kennedy was assassinated, so the Republicans insisted on going to war in Vietnam for no apparent reason.

9/11. That was pretty rotten, and we got mad, but they haven't done anything since, have they? Why hold grudges? Nevertheless, the warmonger Bush goes to war in Afghanistan and Iraq. The war in Iraq lasts longer than World War II, which lasted for just the optimum amount of time a war should last. No war should be allowed to last longer, it's not fair.