Color me blue
Here I am in Delaware--a perfectly nice state--but it's not my home. In fact, I don't have a home. I don't belong anywhere. I actually thought of going back to my native soil, in Ohio, but what for? All my relatives are getting older, and unless I want to live somewhere convenient to the Columbus Jewish Cemetery, so I won't have to travel far to attend funerals, there seems to be no purpose to living there.
I seem to have left my self in New Jersey; but when I go back, it's not there either. People there have Moved On, as people do. I haven't. We particularly thought Delaware would be a nice place for our out-of-town friends to visit, what with all the gardens, etc. I thought I would be besieged with visitors; so far two couples have come to visit us, an average of one couple a year. I don't know what I'll do, if this mad round of pleasure keeps up.
I don't know anyone here. Yes, I've met people, so I have people to say hello to, if I run into them in the drugstore, but I don't have any friends. If disaster struck, there would be no-one to call, except Ron the Limousine Driver, Mike the Handyman, or the Other Ron, who are, respectively, the limo driver who took me to the Philly Airport, the handyman who put up shelves for me, and my auto mechanic.
I've joined loads of organizations, and I attend their functions, where I drift lonely as a cloud while everyone else is glad-handing their old buddies. People are nice, and friendly, but they're not my friends and I feel depressed.
Who would come to my funeral if I died tomorrow? It would be a mighty small group. The rabbi would be there, but that's his job.
Now that I've cheered everybody up, I will go and eat lunch.
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9 comments:
That just means that you have no business dying.
You just gotta get going, Miriam.
Good thing I took my meds already or I'd be in a blue funk. (You're not alone feeling that way too. I'm from Texas and living in Ohio.)
However, as Tat said, you have no business dying.
I moved to Champaign, IL about 6 months ago and still don't have any real friends here, despite how hard I have tried.
I feel your pain.
Move to Philadelphia. There's plenty to do, and we have a Dynamic New Mayor.
Move to Champaign, Miriam. Matt and I will keep you entertained, and we could also have Anna over. Hi Anna (actually I'm in Urbana, but it's right next door.)
That's funny. Hi Gail. I wanted to move to Urbana but I wasn't the one buying the house...
How depressing. I always wondered what Delaware would be like. It seems so small and cramped up there all by itself. About the size of (part of) the lower Texas coast. Now I know to stay in Central Texas where the winters are short, the people are friendly, and there's always the prospect of bizarre crime news, like our current supreme court justice whose wife was indicted for burning down their house. Couldn't have been for the insurance. It had lapsed.
Miriam, I know how you feel. I moved here almost 10 years ago and have no friends. I don't say that to garner pity but as a simple fact. I have acquaintances but no friends. I'm starting to think it might be Delaware.
Well, I have to bring a discord into this choir.
I have lived in the US for soon-to-be 16 years and I have no close friends. Acquaintances - yes, pals at work, even workout buddies - of course. Can't say I'm thrilled with the situation, but I think it's the normal one.
I think the ability and inclination to befriend someone diminishes with age. My best friends, as I remember them, were 3 girls in hight school and 3 more girls in first college. All gone with the wind.
Marriage, child-rearing and change of locale interfere, for better or worse - and I lost the idealism and blind trust of 20y.o. I can't help it but see the ulterior motives, unpleasant quirks, habitual lies and small indecencies of people around me - and can't open my heart to them in all sincerity. I know if I'll do, it will hurt eventually.
I know because I tried, against my better judgment, I tried many times.
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