How to lose weight

Some pictures of me taken in California revealed the awful truth: I am fat. In these photos I look the way a sack of doorknobs would look if you could stack the doorknobs so the sack is fuller in the middle. Rather globular, in fact. My waistline has committed a vanishing act to be replaced by a cushion of very firm blubber. I look like I have a life jacket on, but I don't. Since I am not ready for the life jacket look, and plan never to be ready until my dying day, clearly I am going to have to lose weight.

So: I have consulted the experts and have boiled all the expertise down to a few essential points. Eat less. Eat non-fattening foods. Exercise.

So far, so good. For instance, when I walk into a diner and the waitress asks us if we want milkshakes, I have to say no. When the bread basket appears on the table, I have to ignore it. So, what to order?

Let's ignore all the good stuff: sliders with fries, tacos (yum!), in fact, fried anything. I decide to be virtuous and order a salad. A Cobb salad? No, no, that would be evil. So I order Ruby's Special Salad. When it arrives, here's what this consists of:

Dried cranberries, 500 calories;
Dried raisins, 500 calories;
Pecans, about a quarter cup, let's say 500 calories;
Blue cheese--or is it bleu cheese? another 500 calories;
Copious salad dressing, maybe 200 calories;
One apple, cut up, 100 calories.
Some lettuce, under all the other stuff.

Clearly, I have now consumed my daily ration of calories, and then some. I am all the way through Wednesday and Thursday and have started eating my Friday allotment of calories.

I totally understand why people adopted those liquid diets which were popular a few years ago. They are so simple. You might feel hunger pangs, but you know where you stand. You don't have to torture yourself over whether an apple or a handful of cherries will put you over your quota.

I'll have to give the matter some more thought.