Shoe frenzy

I was heading out the door on the way to Target, when I heard The Call of the Shoe. It said something like this: You haven't bought any shoes in days! What are you going to wear in Hawaii? Old, mainland shoes? Get thee hence!

So I did. I must tell you, the last time I bought serious shoes it was for therapeutic reasons. The foot doctor advised me to go to the New Balance store and buy myself some serious shoes plus orthotics. He even gave me a coupon worth 10 percent off.

The New Balance store was not like the rest of the stores in the mall. There was a quiet, respectful hush. Then Ron, the shoe guru, waited on me. At his side was Rahim, his disciple, who was learning the shoe trade.

Ron wouldn't let me even try on any of the shoes I thought looked okay, but allowed me my choice among three or four rather ugly styles which he said provided the proper support. I chose two of the least repulsive, and Ron brought out these models in various configurations of size and color.

A pair was settled on, and Ron proceeded to choose orthotics to suit the configuration of feet and shoes which had been decided upon. He inserted the orthotics in the shoes, and rang me up. The combo cost $130. But what the hell, proper shoes were worth it, no?

I duly wore the shoes with orthotics to the gym and promptly developed a limp. My right knee, hip and foot started to hurt. Nevertheless, I wore them conscientiously for three weeks--after all, the foot doctor and Ron the Shoe Guru knew what they were doing, didn't they?

Apparently not. I went to K-Mart and bought a cheesy pair of shoes for about $8, put them on, and was immediately cured. I felt like one of those invalids who go to faith healers and rise up and throw away their crutches. A miracle! The othotically correct expensive shoes ended up in the Good Will box. I hope that, if anyone buys them, they will not experience any difficulties.

Ever since then I have avoided the shoe department. But today, the siren song was too strong. I went to the shoe store and three pairs of shoes got up and followed me home. Then I went to TJ Maxx and bought another pair for good measure. All four pairs together did not cost as much as the New Balance fiasco.

The moral of this story: I'm not sure there is one.

Now I have to throw away four pairs of shoes or rent one of those storage units that advertise on TV.