How to spend quality time between midnight and 6 a.m.

Last night I couldn't sleep--at all. Normally I would be online, sharing my witty apercus with my fan base, but Verizon was down. Here is how I spent the 6 hours:

1. Tried to solve my internet problem on the phone with someone from India, who spoke perfect but unintelligible English. PFI tells me the problem is with my computer and I should call Dell. (At least that's what I think she told me. She could have been sharing a recipe for chicken tikka, for all I know.)

2. Checked Mr Charm's computer, which also was not able to access Al Gore's internet.

3. Called Verizon and reached another flawless English speaker with an accent thicker than Mississippi mud. Spent time plugging and unplugging modem, router, and computer while lying on the floor. Got back on phone and discovered the phone did not work. Impasse.

4. Checked TCM (nothing good) and then settled down to watch repeats of the Fox News evening lineup. Watched John Kerry's faux pas 117 times. Switched to local news, which repeated JFK's blooper and discussed its influence on the Pennsylvania senate race.

5. Ate most of the Halloween candy that was left over because no-one liked it. I didn't like it either.

6. Feeling sick to my stomach, threw away rest of horrible Halloween candy.

7. Tried to figure out which I hated more, Verizon, Comcast, or Dish Network. Could not decide.

8. Watched Home Shopping Network. Watched QCV. Passed up unbeatable offers for really remarkable one-of-a-kind jewelry.

9. Searched for sleeping pills left over from last bout of insomnia.

10. When sun came up, went to bed.