Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Explaining women

airforceguy wants to know what's up with women. Some of his concerns:

1) Why do women go to the bathroom together? What the hell goes on in there that requires 5 other women?

We're talking about you! In private! In a place where you are not allowed!

Do women fart? According to my wife, every bad smell in the house or outside comes from my backside. Even if it’s clearly a skunk or rotten lettuce, it must be from me. It’s not....

If we do fart, which I by no means admit, we do it in a ladylike way. And it smells like perfume.

7) Do the giggles women produce have an actual linguistic meaning, or are they something to do with pressure relief?

Definitely pressure relief. We cope with guys every day. Take men away--no giggles. Have you ever heard a nun giggle?

How many shoes is enough? I have a lot of shoes for a guy -- boots for BDU’s, boots for DCU’s, low quarters, dress shoes, hiking boots, and running shoes. My mother had 1,000,000 pairs of shoes. I’m not exaggerating. My daughters are on their way there. They have 100,000 pairs each.

All the shoes in the world are not enough.

I've given this a lot of thought: why are men so different from women? A woman's ideal man is Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Smoldering with concealed passion. Chivalrous. Noble. Devoted to her, and her alone.
He never farts, talks about farting, or scratches his balls, or insists on watching the game when her mother is visiting. He doesn't sit around with his friends, downing too many beers and talking about chicks or cars. It goes without saying that he never throws his socks on the floor. If she wants to go to the movies, he is eager to take her, even to see a chick flick.

The ideal woman for a man: 20 years old. Cute butt. Big tits. She might have the brain of Einstein, but never says anything except how wonderful he is. And she always cooks his favorite food. And cleans up afterward. And is willing to have sex anywhere, at any time.

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